TUNAY NA PANGARAP

For V,

Natatakot ako.. Wala nang natira sa akin kundi ang mga pangarap ng ibang tao para sa akin.

Kailan kaya ako hahayaan ng mga taong abutin din ang sarili kong mga pangarap? Kailan ba nila ako maiintindihan?

Nahihirapan na kasi ako.

Simple lang naman pangarap ko e: ang maging masaya sa ginagawa ko at maging masaya sa piling ng taong mahal ko.

Napakisimple lang diba?

Nang dumating ka sa buhay ko, doon ko lang naramdaman ang maging tunay na masaya. Doon ko lang napagtanto na puwede ko pala ipaglaban ang mga bagay na makakapagpasaya sakin. Doon ako nagsimulang magtiwala sa sarili kong pagiisip at kakayahan. Doon ako nagsimulang magkapangarap ulit.

Kung ang hangad mo talaga ay yung makabubuti sa akin, huwag mo akong hayaang mabuhay para lamang abutin ang mga pangarap ng iba para sa akin.. tulungan mo rin akong abutin ang sa akin.

Hindi ko 'to maabot nang mag-isa.. Kailangan ko ang pagmamahal mo dahil dun ako kumukuha ng lakas at tiwala sa sarili ko.

Malapit ko nang maabot mga pangarap ko.. konting konti na lang.

Kapag iniwan mo ako. para mo na rin lang akong dinala ulit sa simula.. walang sariling pangarap.. walang saya..

Ikaw ang sanhi ng kasiyahan ko. At ikaw din ang magiging dahilan ng kalungkutan ko.

Ikaw ang nagbalik ng mga pangarap ko.. Ikaw din mismo ang makakabawi nito.

ENOUGH!!!!!!!!

I never rant. I've always believed that silence has the power to convey a thousand words but it never occurred to me that I too have the power to break it. So let me break my silence, just for once.

I never thought that "enough" would be the hardest word I'll ever encounter. The meaning is simple yet I find it difficult to comprehend. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe that's what you get when you spend your life proving something yet the people you intend to prove it to don't notice it at all. Or worse, they don't care. That's why I don't know what "enough" is coz every time I exert great efforts to obtain something, it will all seem mundane in the end. All my life, I gave in to the consuming demands of what I must do and what I'm expected to do. It's not that I regret who I am now, it's just that.. I don't know if the person I've become is the same person I've always wanted to be. I'm so lost and so confused. I feel unable almost like being in a stalemate.

Maybe I have to believe that there's a reason for everything. Maybe it's a good thing that I lived up to others expectations rather than my own. But as sentient as a human being could possibly get, I have to admit that I'm not capable of understanding everything.. that at some point, I get tired too. I just hope that this sudden impasse is temporary.

To further damage my already "deflected" self-esteem are the people who make calumnies their ticket to castigate me. I do know that everyone is entitled to make their own judgment but I believe that a person should be judged by her motives rather than her actions. I don't intend to display a clean slate. I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes. But cowardly brandishing your judgment in my absence is as wicked as striking me while I'm defenseless. Adhering to it is an unjustifiable infirmity I am struggling to get out of. I hope you acquire strength and a sense of respect to disclose whatever you want NOT BEHIND MY BACK but IN MY FACE. I think no one will enlighten you better than myself.

I'm done. I've had enough.

It's time for me to choose my own path, my own dreams and not live with what others think of me or what I should be.

Enough is enough.

The Other Side

This is actually the first note that denotes a different side of me.. the side where I wear my heart on my sleeve.. the delicate interior I've always managed to protect. I guess today is the day I have to escape from my usual self and discover something new about myself. These past few days, my mind wandered in a place I've always feared to visit.. the past. I contemplated on every aspect possible. I looked for answers.. for situations that preceded to what I have right now.. but in the end, I didn't find anything or anyone to blame.. I realized that no matter how sorry, sad, successful, painful, happy or disappointing my life turned out to be, I can't blame it on anyone because what I did wasn't demanded of me but was of my own choosing. It's not that I regret the roads I have taken. What I regret most are the roads I could have taken and would still take if given the chance. But since it's all buried in the past, all I have now are memories, chances and uncertain possibilities.

I guess it's about time to be careful of what I choose. It doesn't mean that I solely choose the roads I am expected to take or the roads I want to take. I just want to make sure that every road is worth it.

Right now, I'm in between two roads. I just don't know where to go. The road on the right assures me of a safe journey and destination.. while the road on the left seems rocky and doesn't assure me of anything yet, just the possibility of experiencing the greatest love story I could ever know.

I don't know if it's the time for me to be careful or the time for me to be brave. Either way, regrets are inevitable.Will I regret more in getting deeply hurt in the end? or in wondering what could have been?

IDENTITY CRISIS!!!

(NO. It's not what you're thinking.ü)

I'm confused.. or maybe I'm not..

Sometimes, saying we're confused is just an excuse to keep us from admitting the truth. Sometimes, we insist on being given the time and space to figure out what we really want when deep inside we already know.

For almost five years now, I have been mapping out a future I know I should have. I never did base it on what I want. I based it on what I need, on what I am doing at the moment and on what people expect me to be. And because of that, I slowly lost my identity. I curtailed my earnestness in music. (Not completely though, I thank God that I'm part of the SLU Glee Club, my second family. They keep me sane.^_^)

When I was young, I knew what I wanted to be. I worked hard for it. My conviction was that strong. I hope my conviction now is as strong as it used to be but sadly it isn't. I blame the people who never understood and will never understand one's passion for something.. People who keep on asking me to quit.. People who constantly and irritatingly remind me what to prioritize. I know what to prioritize. Believe me. I know that I haven't done bad with my academics, (but I haven't done good either.) Isn't that enough? I can't give more than that. It's frustrating. I never settled for mediocrity but now, I do things just for the sake of passing. I don't mind having 75. Before doing my requirements, I stare at them first for a couple of minutes (when I say couple, that would be around 30 minutes or even more) thinking, "What's the point?". Then after chanting "I have to do this. I have to graduate." in my head for a thousand times, I begin to do mediocre work again. I wake up very early in the morning, stare at the ceiling and think, "What's the point?" then I get up, chant "I have to do this. I have to graduate. I don't want to make up for days tardy or absent." Then I go to school. When I get to the school's attic (which serves as our faculty room), I bring out my lesson plan notebook, put on my earphones, get intoxicated with Chopin and voila, I just doodled my time away. I never want to waste my time but when I do all the things I have to do, it feels as if I'm wasting my time just the same.. doing something I don't see the point doing.

"I have to do this. I have to graduate. I don't want to make up for days tardy or absent." --Is this what you call motivation?

Isn't it supposed to be: "I have to do this. I am going to be a future teacher. I want to teach for the rest of my life. Teaching is my passion. I am going to learn a lot today."

But I can't seem to make that my motivation.. Because it isn't what I really want.

I played the piano the whole night last night. I missed it sooooo much. I used to play 4 hours or more in a day. My fingers got dirty afterwards realizing that I haven't played the piano for a very long time. (I haven't touched my piano for quite sometime so it got dusty.) It gave me a spark of hope.

"I have to do this. I have to graduate. I have to be patient. After I graduate, I am going to pursue music. It's what I want. Nothing and no one can ever stop me."

From now on, I will stop staring at my work, I will stop staring at the ceiling, thinking "What's the point?".

I already know who I am.

:)

If only..

"If" is uncertain.

"Only" is certain.

Put them together and they can be the most painful words your lips could ever utter.. the coldest words your heart could ever endure.

If only life was as we wanted it to be..

If only we could go back and alter the things that have greatly affected the present, we'd do it in a second.

If only.. is a mere chance.. a hopeless wish.. a shade of bitter reality.

But what can we do? Reality is all we have. It's all we have to deal with. Besides, life doesn't wait for us to heal in our own time. It simply goes on. It's totally up to us to go on with it or else, we get stuck in the past.

We all went through pain we can't seem to explain until now.. memories that simply make it hard to breathe.. If only it could go away..
But let's face it. It's something that sticks with us wherever we go. It's something kept hidden in the depth of our hearts. It's not something to be ashamed or aghast about though. These scars are what made us strong. It gave us the courage to go through life. It made us wise.

So now I start thinking.. If only..

Maybe I wouldn't trade the past for something else.. It made me who I am today.

I might not be the most courageous person to pursue love or anything in life.. but I guess I still have that little light of hope to try.. and that one hell of a strong heart to fight. And I know you do too.

So V, be strong. I may not know what exactly you're going through or what you're feeling. But I believe that the reason you went through all that is not to give up in the end,but to fight til the end. I believe in you. I always will. :)

Find yourself..
Feed your "if only"s with forgiveness and hope..
Discover things from the past..
Deal with it as well as the present..

Everything will be okay.

Take your time.

I'm just here.

xoxo

-Chia

♥

Walk me home again..♥

Defying Gravity..♥

Yes.. I am going to defy "gravity".. my gravity.. my cynicism.
................................................................................................................
♥ (for the guy I could have loved..)

How I wish I never left..
How I wish I could have given what you deserved..
How I wish I never threw the chances away..
How I wish you knew the truth..
How I wish I could have loved you more than you thought I could..

If only I could be with you, I won't pretend anymore.
If only I could be near you, I'll let you hold me close.
If only I could hold your hand, I'll never let it go.
If only I could hold you in my arms, I'd keep you safe from everything that will do you harm.
If only I'd be given the chance to love you, I will and always will...

In REALITY..
I see you everyday.. wishing you knew what's in my heart..

I miss you everyday, knowing you'll never feel the same way..

I'm waiting for every chance to talk to you.. wishing I could talk to you longer..

Every night, I think of you.. wishing you're fine..

Though you seem to ignore me all the time, I'll pick up the pieces, make it whole.. and try again.. again and again..

And if you love someone else.. I'll be here just the same..
And just in case she hurts you, I'll keep you, hold you and help you stand again..

And if you fall in love with me, I'll fall in love with you even more.. I'll never let you go.. I will love you more than you think you know..♥
......
These are all I have dear.. thoughts, wishes and the smallest of chances..

*sigh* =(