IDENTITY CRISIS!!!

(NO. It's not what you're thinking.ü)

I'm confused.. or maybe I'm not..

Sometimes, saying we're confused is just an excuse to keep us from admitting the truth. Sometimes, we insist on being given the time and space to figure out what we really want when deep inside we already know.

For almost five years now, I have been mapping out a future I know I should have. I never did base it on what I want. I based it on what I need, on what I am doing at the moment and on what people expect me to be. And because of that, I slowly lost my identity. I curtailed my earnestness in music. (Not completely though, I thank God that I'm part of the SLU Glee Club, my second family. They keep me sane.^_^)

When I was young, I knew what I wanted to be. I worked hard for it. My conviction was that strong. I hope my conviction now is as strong as it used to be but sadly it isn't. I blame the people who never understood and will never understand one's passion for something.. People who keep on asking me to quit.. People who constantly and irritatingly remind me what to prioritize. I know what to prioritize. Believe me. I know that I haven't done bad with my academics, (but I haven't done good either.) Isn't that enough? I can't give more than that. It's frustrating. I never settled for mediocrity but now, I do things just for the sake of passing. I don't mind having 75. Before doing my requirements, I stare at them first for a couple of minutes (when I say couple, that would be around 30 minutes or even more) thinking, "What's the point?". Then after chanting "I have to do this. I have to graduate." in my head for a thousand times, I begin to do mediocre work again. I wake up very early in the morning, stare at the ceiling and think, "What's the point?" then I get up, chant "I have to do this. I have to graduate. I don't want to make up for days tardy or absent." Then I go to school. When I get to the school's attic (which serves as our faculty room), I bring out my lesson plan notebook, put on my earphones, get intoxicated with Chopin and voila, I just doodled my time away. I never want to waste my time but when I do all the things I have to do, it feels as if I'm wasting my time just the same.. doing something I don't see the point doing.

"I have to do this. I have to graduate. I don't want to make up for days tardy or absent." --Is this what you call motivation?

Isn't it supposed to be: "I have to do this. I am going to be a future teacher. I want to teach for the rest of my life. Teaching is my passion. I am going to learn a lot today."

But I can't seem to make that my motivation.. Because it isn't what I really want.

I played the piano the whole night last night. I missed it sooooo much. I used to play 4 hours or more in a day. My fingers got dirty afterwards realizing that I haven't played the piano for a very long time. (I haven't touched my piano for quite sometime so it got dusty.) It gave me a spark of hope.

"I have to do this. I have to graduate. I have to be patient. After I graduate, I am going to pursue music. It's what I want. Nothing and no one can ever stop me."

From now on, I will stop staring at my work, I will stop staring at the ceiling, thinking "What's the point?".

I already know who I am.

:)